Seeing is Understanding
by Chibi Zia
Summary: G-Revolution in its entirety visit Kai's apartment when he is injured. Kai introspects as everyone tries to talk him into understanding friendship once and for all. And forgets to put on a shirt. Some humour here and there.


Kai wasn't expecting them.

It's the only thing he can think of, leaning his weight on the open door of his apartment, bandages still in the hand he used to open it. He can see them staring at him out of his only working eye with this -- this _pitying_ wide eyed look as they take in his dishevelled appearance, one arm in a sling, the bandages covering half his face (lacking its usual war paint) and the uncovered mix and mash of wounds on his chest -- bruises and cuts and gashes -- and Kai wants nothing more than to just close the door and pretend they were never _there_.

But they are, and they're still _staring_ at him in shock, and he wonders how they found out where he lived. Wonders when they'll stop gaping.

Wonders when breathing will stop hurting him, but that's more directly related to his two cracked ribs than the teammates in front of him.

"Oh, _Kai_," he hears Hiromi breathe out, softly, and he wants -- he wants them to pretend he's fine or leave or, or --

No one was supposed to see him like this. No one. Especially not _them_.

"Dude, you look like a _mummy_!" Daichi exclaims, his tone is half-awed and half-horrified, and Kai's hand clenches around the doorknob as he tries to calm himself. Kyoujyuu puts a hand on Daichi's mouth, trying to lower the damage, and the cat in Kai's apartment mewls in the awkward and tense silence that follows.

Kai shouldn't have answered the door, he thinks, and can't manage to remember _why_ he did in the first place.

"Uh, well, Kai," Max starts, trying desperately to break the tension, "We ... came to visit!"

Why, Kai thinks but doesn't ask, why do you have to do this to me? Usually -- usually, when he tries to pick up the pieces when he fails, when he falters, they let him be. Just for a while, just so he can take everything that's human about him and put it back where it belongs. It's unhealthy, but it's _him_, and he can't take normal people watching him fail -- and they. They're more than normal people, and it's even worse with them. Because they care. Because _he_ cares.

"... Well," Rei picks up where Max left, "I know it's a surprise and last minute and all, but how about you let us in? For a while. We wanted to talk to you."

Kinomiya has stayed suspiciously silent and Hiromi is still looking at him like she wants nothing more than to lay him down and heal him. Kyoujyuu looks ready to stop Daichi should he even open his mouth again, and so Daichi is just looking at him with a pout.

"C'mon, let us in already! It was really cold out there, y'know! Don't be stingy!"

He can't close the door, mostly because it has no lock and they could just open it and walk back in by themselves, so Kai doesn't really have a choice. It's still difficult to move out of the way wordlessly, but Daichi just marches in, followed with only slight hesitation by the others. They all take off their shoes with a scramble -- no point, really, considering there are still traces of blood on the floor that Kai hasn't bothered to wash -- and move slightly further. They all fit in awkwardly in Kai's tiny bachelor apartment. Daichi plops down on the futon with no ceremony, and Rei is the first to notice the curious kitten on Kai's kitchen counter.

Kitchen which has no refrigerator, so it's really just a counter, a sink and a few mostly-empty cupboards. Kai wonders if this is the point where people would normally start to have a breakdown. Rei moves to pet the kitten and Max, having realized there isn't really any other place to sit, jumps up to sit on the counter. Kyoujyuu and Hiromi are standing there and sharing looks that Kai can't be bothered to interpret (pity and worry and other things that make him feel an angry sort of guilt he keeps trying to dismiss), and Kinomiya...

Takao isn't looking at him, even though he's standing right in front of him, gaze shadowed by his cap and his hair. He hasn't bothered to move further in the apartment.

Kai closes the door wordlessly but stays leaning against it. He can't walk without leaning against something, but he can't show that. Not to anyone, not to _them_. So he just stays there.

"Who's this little one, Kai?" Rei asks, gesturing to the cat.

"Yeah, man, we didn't even know you _liked_ cats!" Max picks up, and Kai doesn't know if he loves them or hates them for the small-talks.

It's better than the alternative questions -- why do you live in such a dump, why aren't you in the hospital, are you okay, why did you never tell us, _don't you trust us_ -- but it's still making him acknowledge their presence in the part of his life they shouldn't be allowed to know the existence of.

"It's a girl," Kai responds, and, fuck, his voice is horribly raspy, as if he's a fifty year old smoker, and it hurts to _talk_. His throat is shot, too, but he presses on. "Doesn't have a name."

Well, she sort of does -- he calls her Beautiful when he wants her to move, but it's not official and it doesn't really matter, anyway. They weren't even supposed to know about her. They weren't supposed to know about _any_ of this, and Kai feels a hysterical feeling bubbling in his chest that he squashes, because they're here now and they know already, so it would only make it worse to panic.

"She's pretty," Daichi announces from next to the cat, "That's what you should call her! Pretty. At least she's prettier than this ratty old apartment."

Hiromi stalks over to him to hit him and yell at him about manners, but Kai is more bothered by the fact that he can't recall seeing Daichi move than the honest comment about his apartment. His chest gives a sharp pain when he breathes in, but he refuses to show it outwardly. His leg hurts horribly, which means he shouldn't be standing anymore, but he can't sit. He just _can't_.

His vision is starting to become unfocused and Kai has to close his eye to concentrate on simply not passing out. He's done this before, he thinks, he can last until they're gone and let go _then_, but not _now_.

"Kai," Takao's voices forces him to open his eye as everything around them freezes and the other boy finally looks up, a fierce glare in place and -- oh.

Oh, does he _have_ to cry?

"Takao, maybe you should--" Kyoujyuu starts, trying to calm him before an obvious outburst, but his words are useless as Takao cuts him off to yell.

"You stupid _jerk_! Do you have any idea how worried we've been?! How worried _I've_ been?!" No, no, Kai _doesn't_, because he's made it a fierce point not to think about them, especially not Takao and he was perfectly fine like that. "We looked everywhere for you, but there was nothing -- not a trace of life, not a message, _nothing_. And, you know, fine, you do that all the time, and we've all learned to accept it, accept that that's _you_, and you'll just go and do your own thing--" but if they've accept it why can't they _let him be_-- "but not when you're like this! Not when we're not even sure if you're _alive_, nevermind if you're okay! We asked everyone, and even _Yuriy_ didn't know where you could be--" and why _would_ he, Kai didn't tell him any more than he told _them_-- "so we worried! We asked your address to Daitenji-san, and when we got there you know what that stupid butler told us? You _left_, without a word, you left more than a _year_ ago, so when were you planning on telling us that you were living on your own, huh?!" Never, he'd never wanted them to know, it wasn't any of their business, and he'd -- he'd _planned _on coming back, but then Yuuya had _died_ and _what was the point_, to even fake wanting a normal life, when he'd never had one in the first place? "For all we knew, you were dead in some random back alley, right then and there, but Kyoujyuu -- he managed to find you, looking up every hotel and apartment in the city and the ones around, and then we come here, in the worst apartment I've ever _seen_ and you look like the living _dead_, and when will you realize that you can count on us?! That you can _trust_ us, Kai, that we'll always be there for you and we'll always help you and that _you can't do everything on your own_! You're not invincible!"

Takao stops, panting heavily, and Kai wants to tell him he knows all this, but Takao continues, and Kai's heart feels like it's lodged a place in his throat, and Kai wishes half heartedly it didn't exist in the first place.

"Do you have any idea," Takao says softly, a sad look on his face, shoulders hunched, "how much it would hurt us if -- if --"

Do you have the guts to say it, Kinomiya, Kai thinks but doesn't say, because he doesn't really want him to say it, doesn't want to hear it, didn't want to hear the things _before_ it, either.

"If you'd died," Takao finally says, swallowing, "If you'd died because you were too stubborn and prideful to ask for help, I'd bring you back to life and kill you myself."

Kai bows his head, trying to hide the shadow of an amused smile on his face, because even though his heart is pounding in his chest so hard it feels like it's about to burst, he thinks he might laugh genuinely for the first time in years.

"Kai... Takao's right, you know," Max is the first to speak after the fact, and Kai doesn't bother to raise his head to look at him. "You're an important person to all of us. We all know how prideful you are, and I can respect that. You're proud and stubborn, and that's what makes you such a good beyblader. But, even I have to draw the line when you're getting hurt because of it."

It hurts because of all of you, Kai wants to say, because there's still this part of me that knows I'm a failure, that I can never be like _any_ of you, but you're still so full of _hope_ about it, about _me_, and you're the only people in the entire world who actually believe I _could_ be a better person, but you're wrong. You're _wrong_, but still I try, because I want to show the world they're wrong, I want to make you, all of you, proud of me, and I want to prove that I can change. That I can be more than I am.

But he can't say it, can't admit to something like this, so he stays quiet, because it's not what they want to hear anyway.

"Kai, you may be a grouch, but you're our grouch," Rei says, and Kai can _hear _him grinning before he grows sombre. "Look, I know this might not be about not trusting us, and I know you just hide out and stick on your own because you think you have to, but we're friends. Friends look out for each other, we've told you that _thousands_ of times-- so why is it that you can look out for us, but we can't look out for you? We don't expect you to tell us everything, everyone needs their privacy. Heck, just... little things would be great. You should know by now that we're not about to let you down. You trusted us to pull you up once. You should trust us not to let go of your hand."

The metaphor is not lost on Kai; how could it be, when he dreams of that lake, dreams of drowning in dark depths with no one to pull him back towards the light, towards _life_. And he isn't scared of life. He isn't scared of _them_, or of being let go of. They're particularly clingy that way, and he's learned to trust them. The problem isn't with trust in them. It's his pride, because his pride is the only thing left of him that's still intact. Because he's aware he's not perfect, he's aware he's _never _been, will never _be_, perfect, and it hurts to know, because perfection is what he'd always searched for. He is prideful because it's the only thing left he can be, because they believe he's a pillar of strength and look up to him in a way no one _should_, really, but he'll be damned if he lets them down.

He cannot say this, either, because it comes far too close to blaming them for his liking. And he's not. Because it's not a problem to him.

"We know you're strong, Kai," Hiromi speaks up next, and Kai amuses himself with the realization that they will all speak like this, giving him thoughts and feelings he is already aware of, repeating them until they believe he gets it this time. "But no one is strong enough to do everything on their own. We were so proud of you when you won against Brooklyn, but we were so scared, too. Not because we thought you couldn't do it, but because the prize wasn't worth it if the sacrifice was you. It's still true now. You're never really alone, Kai, we're always there for you, no matter what happens. I know you can stand on your own, but we'll always be there to catch you if you're about to fall, whether you want us to or not. So get it through your thick head already, and stop running away from us!"

It's not running away so much as hiding away, Kai thinks briefly, hiding away that part of weakness they all want to catch and coddle and coax out until he can't do anything but admits all his fears, all his feelings of inappropriateness, all the scars and the nightmares and the truths he doesn't want to say. And he couldn't live with that, because he can't even admit them to himself, because the majority of the time he really _doesn't _care about people, or conventions or good or evil. It has nothing to do with that, because he does what he wants for himself, because he will not let himself be manipulated by anyone, not anymore. Kai does things because he _wants_ to, and unfortunately right now that includes wanting to be friends with the people occupying his apartment and staying upwards even though his body is on the verge of passing out.

But Kai does not want to open himself up completely and fully, not to them, and not to himself, and it's not running, because Kai isn't a coward. It's pride. It's always pride. It's him being too much and not enough and nothing, nothing at all in-between.

"I know you must be tired of hearing it," Kyoujyuu says, without his usual nervous air, and Kai has never known how to tell the kid that he is, in fact, incredibly impressed by him sometimes. "Because I know we're tired of saying it. I don't know if I can say we'll always be together. Maybe one day, we'll separate, and we'll all go our different ways. But even if we do, there's one thing I am certain of. We'll always be friends, and we'll always be proud to know you were one of us, that you _accepted_ you were one of us. I'm glad we met all those years ago, and I'm glad for everything that's happened, the good and the bad times. But I don't want to have to stand up at your eulogy and say all this again because you thought you could take care of everything when you couldn't, Kai. That's why, no matter how much you try to hide, I'll always help them find you. ... Except if they want to find you for a stupid reason like drag you outside to eat hot dogs, because _I'm_ not that cruel."

They are stubborn and determined and annoying, Kai thinks, but he can't help but think it fondly, and his cat mewls on the counter, forgotten. In his mind, he thinks he is tired of coming up short to their expectations of him being _more_ and yet their expectations of him never falter. I am not like you, Kai thinks but doesn't say. I am not like you, and even though you expect more out of me than I can give, you still accept me for me, and I can't understand that.

And as always it has nothing to do with what they are saying, but he has heard it times and times again, and it is not their love that is the problem, even though it is.

"Okay, you know, I don't get any of this stuff," Daichi grumbles out and Kai actually raises his head a little to look at him, because Daichi and him are not... as close, maybe. "All this dramatic stuff about all of us always being there for you, it's stupid, because you know that and you're just being a though guy is all, right?! It's not about trust and it's not about pride, and it's a lot about stuff I don't get, but does it matter!? All I need to know is that you're a good blader and I guess you're a good guy too, and you do your own stuff and all these guys care for you WAY TOO MUCH, especially since you're not dying you're just hurt a little -- okay well maybe a lot, but you're not dead, so they should just tie you up and FORCE you to listen, because that's what you do with people who're hurt and stubborn, and words are pretty but we don't need 'em! If I was them, I'd just SHOW you or beat you until you got it! And, you know what, I don't want to hear you say mushy stuff -- I don't think you WOULD but it'd be WEIRD and hey can you give me Yuriy's e-mail or something Takao doesn't want to the jerk -- but that wasn't, uh, that wasn't the point. I don't want you to say mushy stuff to prove how much you care back or trust back or whatever, just let us in every now and then, let the old hag change your bandages because those scratches are CREEPING ME OUT, buy yourself some food and share with us and I'd call it a day. Oh yeah and stop hiding. And maybe get a new place because this one stinks. Not literally though it smells kinda good. And go see a doctor. Just DO STUFF so that we can all stop worrying, or I WILL kick your butt in a good ol' match with my Gaia Dragoon, got it?!"

Hiromi hits Daichi -- once for the old hag comment and a billion more times for all the other 'insensitive' things he'd said, and Kai lowers his head to stare at the bandages he is still holding.

Maybe some things _don't_ need to be said. Maybe they _can _be shown.

Kai puts a hand on the wall, limping precariously as the others stop moving to stare at him, worried. He stops close enough to Hiromi to extend the hand holding the bandages to her.

"There are chips in the cupboard," Kai tells them, and the bright smile they all send him is almost enough to erase everything else.

It's not enough to erase their confusion when they find out that the (unopened) bag of chips is surrounded by cat food and absolutely nothing else, but there is only so much he can do in one day.

* * *

Well this was not what I was planning to write. W-what.

Well! First things first: this is not part of the headcanon series. In fact this is not part of any canon series, because there is no actual way this scene could have feasibly happened, because Kai was Mummified But Okay during the match between Takao and Brooklyn, and this would reasonably happen AFTER this. So this is so not canon. Originally planned to be a more introspective piece so I could practice Kai's voice/character/thoughts/etc, this ended up a) ridiculously long b) ridiculously incoherent c) ridiculously ... fluffy, I suppose. It is kind of sad and there is a lot of things left unresolved; mostly because I think the majority of Kai feeling like this will forever stay unresolved, but also because Kai decided not to make sense. Honey, your head is a nightmare.

There is a lot of... dark humor in this piece. And bits of lol because these kids suck at being serious. Whatever. THE STORY BEHIND KAI'S APARTMENT: in season 2, Kai ... runs away from boarding school. He then goes to live in the Kinomiya dojo because Takao Would Not Take No. Yuuya, or Wyatt in the dub, dies in season 2. Kai would thus not return to boarding school ew. BUT he is no longer staying at the dojo. Since he was sent to boarding school, I'm guessing he is not supposed to be living at home. Hence, Kai getting himself a dingy apartment to sleep in, because Kai hobos around a lot in season 3. The Sucky Apartment is actually headcanon, as is Kai's kitty. The method of obtention of the kitty varied in this fic, though.

Daichi is insanely fun to write, and is the only G-Revolution I feel happy CAPSLOCKING ENDLESSLY with instead of just _stressing _things. Writing the different speeches also killed me, because Shounen Speech is hard to write without feeling incredibly stupid. Also, Takao demanded a bigger role and more screaming at Kai, which I will probably give him later in another fic.

Finally, Kai was shirtless for this entire fic. It made me happy.

Hope you liked it,

Zia.


End file.
